Please, don't hate me.

One of my worst fears is having someone look me in the face and have no love towards me. This fear is so huge in my life, I have dreams about it. I dream I see someone and they are completely bitter towards me. I will search their face for some sign of love…happiness…truth, but I only see anger. This fear makes me a pushover in some ways. I will try to buy/earn a friend’s love. If someone does not love me or show they love me, I take it out on myself. I believe it is my fault. To fix it, I search for ways to make myself more lovable. I will try to make myself more beautiful, more outgoing, more…well, not me. When will I stop this silliness. I inflict pain on myself by caring SO much about what a person thinks of me. Why do I care? Why am I searching for love in all the wrong places? Why will I not go to the one source of true love…the only source?