Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Please, don't hate me.
One of my worst fears is having someone look me in the face and have no love towards me. This fear is so huge in my life, I have dreams about it. I dream I see someone and they are completely bitter towards me. I will search their face for some sign of love…happiness…truth, but I only see anger. This fear makes me a pushover in some ways. I will try to buy/earn a friend’s love. If someone does not love me or show they love me, I take it out on myself. I believe it is my fault. To fix it, I search for ways to make myself more lovable. I will try to make myself more beautiful, more outgoing, more…well, not me. When will I stop this silliness. I inflict pain on myself by caring SO much about what a person thinks of me. Why do I care? Why am I searching for love in all the wrong places? Why will I not go to the one source of true love…the only source?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Is it my place?
Today my mother came up stairs to talk to Rachel, Abby, and I. She told us how she felt about the whole "dad" situation. I am not going to get into the details, but let us just say it did not go well. I asked my mom if she really apologized to my dad for the faults she had made. "I am sorry for my mistakes, but you need to..," is NOT apologizing. That is exactly how she apologizes though. Is that right? I do not believe it is. I told her this and she responded saying I was just like my father. So this man she is talking so horribly about is me...
Was I really wrong here? Is it right to tell a person what they need to work on when apologizing for the things you have done wrong?
I am lost,
Emily
Was I really wrong here? Is it right to tell a person what they need to work on when apologizing for the things you have done wrong?
I am lost,
Emily
Monday, January 5, 2009
My Road Has Taken a Sharp Turn...
I do not even know where to start with this blog. I guess I should first say that God is amazing! He is the one and only amazing Savior. I just want to scream to the world of His wonderful love!
Last summer I went to a county fair with a few people. We were walking through all the buildings where businesses had their booths. We stopped at one booth for a local church. The man asked us if we knew where we were going. Everyone said heaven, as did I. I doubted it though. I was not really sure. Yes, I was a Christian, but was I good enough to go to heaven? Did I ask God into my heart the right way? These are silly questions, but at that time that was how I was feeling. For the first time in my life I know, without a doubt, where I am going. I know God is real. I know He is all I need.
My life has been pretty messed up for the past year or so. I am finally really starting to give my struggles to God and I can already see Him working in my life. I do not feel as bitter or jealous of others anymore. I am happy with my life. I am excited for my future. I am on fire to live for God!
I have not had a fire for God as strong as I do now. I have had a fire though and it has died. I do not want my fire for God to die again. I want to glorify Him in everything I do. Thinking of this reminds me of the song that goes..."oh Christ, be the center of our lives.." That's what I want. I want Jesus to be the center of my life.
I do not know God's plan for my life, but I know He has in under control. He has given me a wonderful opportunity to co-teach art to a homeschooling group I grew up in when I was little. He has given me a passion for art once more. I hope to bring glory to God with this new job and with my art skills.
God is good. =]
Em
Last summer I went to a county fair with a few people. We were walking through all the buildings where businesses had their booths. We stopped at one booth for a local church. The man asked us if we knew where we were going. Everyone said heaven, as did I. I doubted it though. I was not really sure. Yes, I was a Christian, but was I good enough to go to heaven? Did I ask God into my heart the right way? These are silly questions, but at that time that was how I was feeling. For the first time in my life I know, without a doubt, where I am going. I know God is real. I know He is all I need.
My life has been pretty messed up for the past year or so. I am finally really starting to give my struggles to God and I can already see Him working in my life. I do not feel as bitter or jealous of others anymore. I am happy with my life. I am excited for my future. I am on fire to live for God!
I have not had a fire for God as strong as I do now. I have had a fire though and it has died. I do not want my fire for God to die again. I want to glorify Him in everything I do. Thinking of this reminds me of the song that goes..."oh Christ, be the center of our lives.." That's what I want. I want Jesus to be the center of my life.
I do not know God's plan for my life, but I know He has in under control. He has given me a wonderful opportunity to co-teach art to a homeschooling group I grew up in when I was little. He has given me a passion for art once more. I hope to bring glory to God with this new job and with my art skills.
God is good. =]
Em
Friday, January 2, 2009
I Got Mail
A blog to all who sent me mail...
Today, after work, I decided to trudged through the snow to get the mail and go to the bank. It was not anything out the the ordinary. I stopped at the bank and put all my Christmas money in my savings account. When I got to the post office I opened our mail box and it was completely full! Not only was it full, but it was full of five letters to me! It was absolutely crazy. We also got a key in our box which means I got to open another box. In that box I found three packages! I did not look at who they were addressed to cause I assumed none of them were for me. To my surprise one of them was to me and one of the other ones had something in it to me. I walked home with a huge smile on my face. I just want to thank all the people who sent me mail. It made my day brighter.
=]ing BIG,
Em
Today, after work, I decided to trudged through the snow to get the mail and go to the bank. It was not anything out the the ordinary. I stopped at the bank and put all my Christmas money in my savings account. When I got to the post office I opened our mail box and it was completely full! Not only was it full, but it was full of five letters to me! It was absolutely crazy. We also got a key in our box which means I got to open another box. In that box I found three packages! I did not look at who they were addressed to cause I assumed none of them were for me. To my surprise one of them was to me and one of the other ones had something in it to me. I walked home with a huge smile on my face. I just want to thank all the people who sent me mail. It made my day brighter.
=]ing BIG,
Em
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Are You The One, Northwestern?
Today my mother and I drove to Roseville, Minnesota. The roads were horrible, but we drove 45 mph so we did not even have a chance of dying. Our motive for this excursion was to visit Northwestern College. I have been to Northwestern many times before. When I was little I was taught piano lessons in the Art/Music Building.
We met with a counselor who told me all about the place. He talked to us for about a hour than a senior attending the college took us on a tour. I have fallen in love. Everyone was so friendly. The buildings are all old Catholic buildings which makes them beautiful. The place is just so artistic! The dorms are amazing as well!
So I have fallen in love, but it does not seem right. Everyone was so friendly, which was nice, but for some reason that turned me off a little. I do not know if I will fit in there. Someone once told me that I was a Northwestern girl. If that is true, shouldn't I fit in? Why do I feel out of place though? I do not feel good enough for these people. I'm not this Bible thumping girl. I have so much room to grow in my faith. I am only beginning.
Honestly, I love this college and I probably will end up going there, Lord willing. I am intimidated though. Everyone seems that they have their lives under control. I am probably just nervous for college. I know that everyone does not have their lives under control. I know that if God wants me to go to this college, He will help me be at home there.
I got the jitters,
Em
We met with a counselor who told me all about the place. He talked to us for about a hour than a senior attending the college took us on a tour. I have fallen in love. Everyone was so friendly. The buildings are all old Catholic buildings which makes them beautiful. The place is just so artistic! The dorms are amazing as well!
So I have fallen in love, but it does not seem right. Everyone was so friendly, which was nice, but for some reason that turned me off a little. I do not know if I will fit in there. Someone once told me that I was a Northwestern girl. If that is true, shouldn't I fit in? Why do I feel out of place though? I do not feel good enough for these people. I'm not this Bible thumping girl. I have so much room to grow in my faith. I am only beginning.
Honestly, I love this college and I probably will end up going there, Lord willing. I am intimidated though. Everyone seems that they have their lives under control. I am probably just nervous for college. I know that everyone does not have their lives under control. I know that if God wants me to go to this college, He will help me be at home there.
I got the jitters,
Em
Monday, December 29, 2008
Touch Me
I felt God last night. His mighty arms held me! He showed me His power! I never thought I could feel the love of God like I feel the love of a human.
It was one in the morning and I should have been sleeping, but I had taken a nap in the afternoon so I was not tired. I did my devotions and turned off my lights. After a few minute laying in the dark I started to pray. Usually I can hardly pray for five minutes, but last night I did not want to stop. I felt God! I cried out to Him last night.
In my stupidity I asked Him to prove Himself to me. (how many times must I ask until I believe?) I have been doubting lately and I wanted Him to show me His glory. My back had been twitching all day and no matter what I did it would not go away. I told God to take away the twitching. It did not go away. I cried out to God again saying that I believe He can take away this twitch. He took it away! Right then He took it away! I lay there thinking it was going to come back any second, but it did not. God showed me His power. He wrapped His arms around me last night!
I felt a love stronger than any other love. I cannot fully explain what I felt last night, but I know it was God. I have never felt God's presence the way I did last night. I will not doubt my Lord!
In the arms of a Savior,
Em
Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Proverbs 19:21
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understandings. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
It was one in the morning and I should have been sleeping, but I had taken a nap in the afternoon so I was not tired. I did my devotions and turned off my lights. After a few minute laying in the dark I started to pray. Usually I can hardly pray for five minutes, but last night I did not want to stop. I felt God! I cried out to Him last night.
In my stupidity I asked Him to prove Himself to me. (how many times must I ask until I believe?) I have been doubting lately and I wanted Him to show me His glory. My back had been twitching all day and no matter what I did it would not go away. I told God to take away the twitching. It did not go away. I cried out to God again saying that I believe He can take away this twitch. He took it away! Right then He took it away! I lay there thinking it was going to come back any second, but it did not. God showed me His power. He wrapped His arms around me last night!
I felt a love stronger than any other love. I cannot fully explain what I felt last night, but I know it was God. I have never felt God's presence the way I did last night. I will not doubt my Lord!
In the arms of a Savior,
Em
Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Proverbs 19:21
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understandings. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Where is My Vacuum?
In public school some of my friends would joke about my bipolar ways. I think I am starting to believe that I am bipolar. I have got to be the most temperamental, “changing my mind all the time” girl in the whole world. People tell me that they never know what I am going to do next. Scary thing, I do not either. One minute I love you the next I do not. I genuinely hate this about me. You will not imagine all of the people I have hurt by being so moody. I will heal their heart, then smash it open. How do I change?
A friend of mine was talking to me awhile ago. This person was angry with me because of past mistakes I had made. In anger (or maybe not) this person called me a bitch. They told me that they have never called anyone this before, but it is the only word to describe me. I was so ready to yell at this person and tell them how horrible they were. Instead, I admitted that I was/am. I am a bitch. This person gave me the slap in the face I needed. I realized that getting angry back was not going to help anything. What do I need to do? I need to fix the problem. How does one not be a bitch? How can I stop being this bipolar snob? Where do I start?
People struggle with different things. Lust, pride, judging, and lying are just a few struggles. I have a bigger problem. I struggle with all of them. Where do I start when I struggle with almost everything? My mother would say, “You get down on your hands and knees and pray to God, that is what you do.” I know prayer is your first step in change, but I tend to not be satisfied with that. I want to get in there and do something! How can I do anything without the Lord’s help though?
If I were to describe my faith/life right now I would have to say it was like a dirty room. Now I am not talking about a room with a few pieces of clothing, dishes, paper, and CD’s lying on the floor. I am talking about a room that is so dirty, you cannot see the floor or your bed. In a room like this, you do not even know where to start cleaning. You have the fire to clean this room, but you do not know where or how to start.
Years ago, if one of my friends were asked which friend was the best listener, hands down, it would be me. Because I was shy I did not talk much. Now a days people usually just want me to shut up. I want to be the friend who encourages, but I also want to be the friend who listens. Usually all of my conversations with people revolve around me. Maybe learning to listen to others will help me learn to listen to God.
When I die, I do not want to be known as a bitch. I want to be know as a lover. I want to be know as the girl who was always there for people. I want to be know as the girl who lived her life to give glory to God.
Colossians 3:17
“Whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.”
Befuddled beyond belief,
Em
A friend of mine was talking to me awhile ago. This person was angry with me because of past mistakes I had made. In anger (or maybe not) this person called me a bitch. They told me that they have never called anyone this before, but it is the only word to describe me. I was so ready to yell at this person and tell them how horrible they were. Instead, I admitted that I was/am. I am a bitch. This person gave me the slap in the face I needed. I realized that getting angry back was not going to help anything. What do I need to do? I need to fix the problem. How does one not be a bitch? How can I stop being this bipolar snob? Where do I start?
People struggle with different things. Lust, pride, judging, and lying are just a few struggles. I have a bigger problem. I struggle with all of them. Where do I start when I struggle with almost everything? My mother would say, “You get down on your hands and knees and pray to God, that is what you do.” I know prayer is your first step in change, but I tend to not be satisfied with that. I want to get in there and do something! How can I do anything without the Lord’s help though?
If I were to describe my faith/life right now I would have to say it was like a dirty room. Now I am not talking about a room with a few pieces of clothing, dishes, paper, and CD’s lying on the floor. I am talking about a room that is so dirty, you cannot see the floor or your bed. In a room like this, you do not even know where to start cleaning. You have the fire to clean this room, but you do not know where or how to start.
Years ago, if one of my friends were asked which friend was the best listener, hands down, it would be me. Because I was shy I did not talk much. Now a days people usually just want me to shut up. I want to be the friend who encourages, but I also want to be the friend who listens. Usually all of my conversations with people revolve around me. Maybe learning to listen to others will help me learn to listen to God.
When I die, I do not want to be known as a bitch. I want to be know as a lover. I want to be know as the girl who was always there for people. I want to be know as the girl who lived her life to give glory to God.
Colossians 3:17
“Whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.”
Befuddled beyond belief,
Em
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