Where is My Vacuum?

In public school some of my friends would joke about my bipolar ways. I think I am starting to believe that I am bipolar. I have got to be the most temperamental, “changing my mind all the time” girl in the whole world. People tell me that they never know what I am going to do next. Scary thing, I do not either. One minute I love you the next I do not. I genuinely hate this about me. You will not imagine all of the people I have hurt by being so moody. I will heal their heart, then smash it open. How do I change?

A friend of mine was talking to me awhile ago. This person was angry with me because of past mistakes I had made. In anger (or maybe not) this person called me a bitch. They told me that they have never called anyone this before, but it is the only word to describe me. I was so ready to yell at this person and tell them how horrible they were. Instead, I admitted that I was/am. I am a bitch. This person gave me the slap in the face I needed. I realized that getting angry back was not going to help anything. What do I need to do? I need to fix the problem. How does one not be a bitch? How can I stop being this bipolar snob? Where do I start?

People struggle with different things. Lust, pride, judging, and lying are just a few struggles. I have a bigger problem. I struggle with all of them. Where do I start when I struggle with almost everything? My mother would say, “You get down on your hands and knees and pray to God, that is what you do.” I know prayer is your first step in change, but I tend to not be satisfied with that. I want to get in there and do something! How can I do anything without the Lord’s help though?

If I were to describe my faith/life right now I would have to say it was like a dirty room. Now I am not talking about a room with a few pieces of clothing, dishes, paper, and CD’s lying on the floor. I am talking about a room that is so dirty, you cannot see the floor or your bed. In a room like this, you do not even know where to start cleaning. You have the fire to clean this room, but you do not know where or how to start.

Years ago, if one of my friends were asked which friend was the best listener, hands down, it would be me. Because I was shy I did not talk much. Now a days people usually just want me to shut up. I want to be the friend who encourages, but I also want to be the friend who listens. Usually all of my conversations with people revolve around me. Maybe learning to listen to others will help me learn to listen to God.

When I die, I do not want to be known as a bitch. I want to be know as a lover. I want to be know as the girl who was always there for people. I want to be know as the girl who lived her life to give glory to God.

Colossians 3:17
“Whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.”

Befuddled beyond belief,
Em