Are You The One, Northwestern?

Today my mother and I drove to Roseville, Minnesota. The roads were horrible, but we drove 45 mph so we did not even have a chance of dying. Our motive for this excursion was to visit Northwestern College. I have been to Northwestern many times before. When I was little I was taught piano lessons in the Art/Music Building.

We met with a counselor who told me all about the place. He talked to us for about a hour than a senior attending the college took us on a tour. I have fallen in love. Everyone was so friendly. The buildings are all old Catholic buildings which makes them beautiful. The place is just so artistic! The dorms are amazing as well!

So I have fallen in love, but it does not seem right. Everyone was so friendly, which was nice, but for some reason that turned me off a little. I do not know if I will fit in there. Someone once told me that I was a Northwestern girl. If that is true, shouldn't I fit in? Why do I feel out of place though? I do not feel good enough for these people. I'm not this Bible thumping girl. I have so much room to grow in my faith. I am only beginning.

Honestly, I love this college and I probably will end up going there, Lord willing. I am intimidated though. Everyone seems that they have their lives under control. I am probably just nervous for college. I know that everyone does not have their lives under control. I know that if God wants me to go to this college, He will help me be at home there.

I got the jitters,
Em

Touch Me

I felt God last night. His mighty arms held me! He showed me His power! I never thought I could feel the love of God like I feel the love of a human.

It was one in the morning and I should have been sleeping, but I had taken a nap in the afternoon so I was not tired. I did my devotions and turned off my lights. After a few minute laying in the dark I started to pray. Usually I can hardly pray for five minutes, but last night I did not want to stop. I felt God! I cried out to Him last night.

In my stupidity I asked Him to prove Himself to me. (how many times must I ask until I believe?) I have been doubting lately and I wanted Him to show me His glory. My back had been twitching all day and no matter what I did it would not go away. I told God to take away the twitching. It did not go away. I cried out to God again saying that I believe He can take away this twitch. He took it away! Right then He took it away! I lay there thinking it was going to come back any second, but it did not. God showed me His power. He wrapped His arms around me last night!

I felt a love stronger than any other love. I cannot fully explain what I felt last night, but I know it was God. I have never felt God's presence the way I did last night. I will not doubt my Lord!

In the arms of a Savior,
Em

Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Proverbs 19:21
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understandings. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."

Where is My Vacuum?

In public school some of my friends would joke about my bipolar ways. I think I am starting to believe that I am bipolar. I have got to be the most temperamental, “changing my mind all the time” girl in the whole world. People tell me that they never know what I am going to do next. Scary thing, I do not either. One minute I love you the next I do not. I genuinely hate this about me. You will not imagine all of the people I have hurt by being so moody. I will heal their heart, then smash it open. How do I change?

A friend of mine was talking to me awhile ago. This person was angry with me because of past mistakes I had made. In anger (or maybe not) this person called me a bitch. They told me that they have never called anyone this before, but it is the only word to describe me. I was so ready to yell at this person and tell them how horrible they were. Instead, I admitted that I was/am. I am a bitch. This person gave me the slap in the face I needed. I realized that getting angry back was not going to help anything. What do I need to do? I need to fix the problem. How does one not be a bitch? How can I stop being this bipolar snob? Where do I start?

People struggle with different things. Lust, pride, judging, and lying are just a few struggles. I have a bigger problem. I struggle with all of them. Where do I start when I struggle with almost everything? My mother would say, “You get down on your hands and knees and pray to God, that is what you do.” I know prayer is your first step in change, but I tend to not be satisfied with that. I want to get in there and do something! How can I do anything without the Lord’s help though?

If I were to describe my faith/life right now I would have to say it was like a dirty room. Now I am not talking about a room with a few pieces of clothing, dishes, paper, and CD’s lying on the floor. I am talking about a room that is so dirty, you cannot see the floor or your bed. In a room like this, you do not even know where to start cleaning. You have the fire to clean this room, but you do not know where or how to start.

Years ago, if one of my friends were asked which friend was the best listener, hands down, it would be me. Because I was shy I did not talk much. Now a days people usually just want me to shut up. I want to be the friend who encourages, but I also want to be the friend who listens. Usually all of my conversations with people revolve around me. Maybe learning to listen to others will help me learn to listen to God.

When I die, I do not want to be known as a bitch. I want to be know as a lover. I want to be know as the girl who was always there for people. I want to be know as the girl who lived her life to give glory to God.

Colossians 3:17
“Whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.”

Befuddled beyond belief,
Em

Home Alone

It's Christmas Eve and I am home alone. My sisters and mother are at my aunt's house in St. Paul. My father is in Alaska. I have been sick all day and no matter what I do I feel like crap. I feel sick to my stomach, I have a head ache, and I have a fever.

I have been home alone all time time, but for some reason tonight seems so much different. I feel alone! I feel like I have no one here for me. I texted my dad Merry Christmas today. He texted me back and asked me where I was. I told him I was home sick while the everyone else was out. Seconds later he called me. I did not pick up. He called again and again I ignored him. This time he left me a message. It sounded like he was crying.

You cannot even imagine how hard I am crying right now.

I love my dad. I miss him so much. He was always there for me when I was little. He said I was his buddy. I was his Emily. I was his best girl. Why did he have to leave me? This year I did not buy anything for him for Christmas. We did not get anything from him either. I love my dad. Why did I not send him anything for Christmas? Why am I letting this bitterness control me. I want to hug him and tell him how much I want him back home.

I have been holding so much bitterness in. I tell everyone how much I hate him, but really I miss him so much. I want my dad back. We would drive to Fleet Farm all the time and oh we would talk about everything on the way there. He knew me more than anyone else. He knew my true heart. He did not know the lie I was letting everyone else meet.

I want my daddy to come home. I want my daddy to come back to Jesus.

Home alone with a broken heart,
Em

Confessions of a Young Adult

I turned eighteen this month. Last year I would say that as soon as I turned eighteen I would leave. I was going to be all rebellious. (imagine that) It did not turn the way I had planned it. I am still at home and under my mother’s control.

Quite a few of my friends have changed this year. They are into smoking and drinking. Screwing around with the opposite sex does not even make them the slightest bit guilty. They do not stick out anymore. They follow the crowd.

My confession, I want to be a rebel. One day one of my co-workers said it is always best to try something at least once. Those are NOT good words to live by, but they are tempting. I want to see what the world has to offer. I want to try smoking. I want to know what beer tastes like. What if I die before I marry someone? I will never know what sex is like. What if I die and miss out on all these things the world has to offer?

I want to trust God that He will give me what I need. I want to be able to stick out from the world. Why have I followed the crowd so many times? When more opportunities come up, I want the courage to say no. I am scared I will fail again. Sometimes when I want to feel loved I bend my values. What with happen

Lord, I am waiting for You. Give me the strength to not become of this world. Jesus, give me the courage to stand up for You! God, I need You to help me fight these temptations! Give me a clear head. Give me a heart that will give glory to You!

Crying for strength,
Em

Psalm 73:25 “Who have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.”

Hugs

My sister, Hannah, just came into my room and hugged me. She had no reason. It was totally random. I believe hugs are so meaningful. Even in a relationship, I would totally take a hug over a kiss. Hugs are the best! =]

Show someone how much you care today. Randomly hug them! =]

The hug lover,
Em

Holidazzle

I went to the Holidazzle parade for the first time this year. I was quite the experience. We waited almost two hours in the cold to see a thirty minute parade. Even though that does not seem enjoyable at all, it really was. After being away from Minneapolis for over seven years, I have fallen in love with it again. As my sisters and I walked around, I soaked in the beauty this wonderful city has to offer.

I was born in Minneapolis and lived there for eleven years. I am not the city girl I once was. I have lived in the country too long. I am used to knowing everyone in our small town. I lost my library cards years ago, but I do not need it because the librarians know my name and where I live. When going to a store, I never lock my car door. When walking across the street, I never look both ways. When driving around I wave at all the cars I pass because chances are good that I know them.

Even though I have started to become a country girl, I am really excited to go to college in the cities. Going to the Holidazzle parade has confirmed my love for the cities.

City girl at heart,

Emily

Here it goes again...

For the past few days I have had so much to write about, but I can never seem to find the time. Hopefully I will after Christmas. =]

Today I went to work and by the time I got out I felt horrible. As soon as I got home I put on my pajamas, took a hand full of pills, and went to bed. I just woke up an hour ago. My contacts are officially glued to my eyeballs. Anyways, I have been snippy with everyone today. Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, but I am not feeling joyful right now. I am one moody girl.

Praying for joy,
Emily

And this is why I'm blonde...

So I was looking at my blog and for the first time I noticed that I spelled my title wrong.
A Breath of Faith
"moments that guild me"
Wow...hahaha...did anyone else notice that? I feel like a complete loser.

Bitterness

Ephesians 4:26-27 "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."

Bitterness corrupts the heart. God warns us to not let the sun go down on our anger. How wise is that verse? He is warning us of the hurt that will come when we keep bitterness in our hearts. I have realized how much bitterness I am holding in lately. I have also realized how much it controls my life. I always complain about how unhappy I am because of others. Is it really others who make me unhappy? I have come to realize that even if someone does something wrong to me, it is my choice of how it will effect me. I can wallow in the hurt they have caused me or I can forgive them.

God has helped me to forgive others this week. I feel like He has given me peace. My father is another matter though. I am struggling to let go of the bitterness I have towards Him. On Sunday I was talking to an older women about it. I told her how I did not want my father to come home because I would be bitter towards him. She replied saying how awesome it would be if we welcomed my father with open arms. What a miracle that would be! I want the Lord to give me strength to open my arms for my father. I do not want bitterness to consume me.

When someone is unkind to me, I usually fire back with even more hurtful words. When someone points the finger, I point the finger back. I defend myself. God teaches us to turn the other cheek though. Instead of saying why I'm not a horrible person, I need to admit my faults. I should not defend myself with words. I should let my actions defend me. When someone accuses me of something I need to admit my faults and move on. Who am I to judge them? Why do I have a right to point the finger?

Lord help me to hold my tongue in my anger. Help me to let Your light shine. Give me the fire to glorify You.

Emily

Who am I?

Ephesians 2:8-9
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

I have been saved by the grace of God. I should be praising God, but I tend to praise myself. This whole year I have been struggling with judging others. I didn't notice it at first, but I do it all the time. I will be sitting in church and I will see a girl dressed trashy. I will think I am better than her. I do not know her. I do not know her heart. I will still point the finger though. For by GRACE I have been saved. I did not save myself so why am I better than anyone else?

I am a waitress so I get to meet a lot of different people. I tend to stereotype people. (I feel like I am wording this wrong) When I walk up to a table I will either feel that I am better than them or I am below them. We are all equal in God's eyes though. For by GRACE we have been saved. I want to stop looking down on others. I want to be humble. I do not want to tear others down with unkind words. I want to shine with God's love.

Lord, let Your love pour out of me. By grace You have saved me. Help me to grasp this truth. Help me to hold my tongue when I want to boast. I cannot do anything without You.

Humble me Oh Lord,

Emily

Bathe Me in Your Glory

Genesis 32:22-32 is a passage that puzzles me. It is the story of Jacob wrestling with God. Jacob met God face to face and lived through it. Genesis 32:25 says, “When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.” I heard a sermon about this passage today and the pastor said that God has a weakness. In that verse His weakness is shown. Now this puzzled me because I cannot see how God could have a weakness. I think I misinterpreted it though. God does not have a weakness. He is like a father wrestling with his sons. He knows he can over power them, but he does not. He lets them win, but sometimes just to let them know he still has power over them he makes a quick move and pins them down.

Jacob met God face to face. Have I tasted God? I have a problem with being a third party. I talk to others about God, but I do not talk to God on my own. I want to encounter God. I want Him to be the most important thing in my life. I struggle with making (not finding, but making) time for God. Why is it that I make time to spend with my friend and family, but I have such a hard time making time for God.

I want to meet God. Not just once, but over and over again. I want Him to be the most important thing in my life. I want to be bathed in His glory. I want to be a light to the world. My prayer is that everything I do reflects God. I know I will fail, but I want a fire to still press on.

Let me taste You, Lord. Bathe me in Your glory. Show me Your might.

Emily

Smile

Have you ever had the feeling when you see or hear something that reminds you of someone and you get really excited, but realize you can not tell them about it. Joy just rushes into you only to be stopped by a bolder of reality. Having memory is a beautiful thing. It sometimes hurts though. When a person dies it gives you comfort to remember the good times. It is quite peculiar how people react to memory in different ways. For me it hurts because those memories are memories. I will never be able to make memories with that person again. Those memories will not bring a person back. Those memories will only put a smile on my face that will dissolve after a few minutes into reality.

I want my memories to bring a smile that does not leave. I want to be able to remember the good times and the way everything ended while still wearing a smile. I want to feel a hope that I will have other memories to replace the ones that were broken. I want to smile even when memories end badly. Even if hurt follows memories, I want to say, “Thank you God, for giving me a rush.”

Waiting for a smile that will last,

Emily

Imagination

Last night I stayed up until one in the morning. I have been doing this a lot lately for different reasons. It was letter writing this time. I save pretty much everything so I have quite a few huge boxes full of stuff. Going through these boxes brings back so many memories. A Lot of them are bad memories. Someone told me that keeping a journal is fun. I am having a hard time agreeing with that. I love writing in journals. I have quite a few laying all over my room. I do not like looking back at them though. I feel like the part of my life in a journal is done. Why do I have to relive it? Maybe some day I will change my mind.

While I was going through these boxes I found tons of letters. I had quite a few pen pals when I was little so when I say tons I mean tons. Even though I have not written some of these people in years I decided I would give it a stab. I wrote four letters last night. They were nothing special. I just wrote random things about my life that has happened in the past four years. I have no idea where these people are right now or if they will even get their letters.

I miss writing letters. I feel like facebook and cellphones rob us of our imagination. They rob us of our time too. With letters you don't know what the person looks like or sounds like unless you have met them. You get to leave that up to your imagination. A letter has you all over it. You touched it. You wrote it. Your thoughts are all over those pieces of paper.

It costs forty-two cents to mail a letter now a days. That kind of sucks, but I think it's worth it.
Look at it this way...it only costs forty-two cents to touch a person's life.

Emily

Digging out

I feel really sick right now. Not as in "sick" sick, but the sickness you feel when something isn't right. I have been fighting with my mom all week. We can not seem to find solid ground. When will this panic attack lift? I thought my mom and I were finally getting along, but it seems like we are falling apart again. The troubles with my mom and I is just one of my problems.

The thing that really makes me mad is that I have this amazing God that I can ask to help me, but here I am still stuck in this hole. My fire for God seems to be dying.

I do not know what else to say.

Praying for hope,
Emily