Why Can't I Trust?

No means of messure can discribe His limitless love

He's enduringly strong

He's entirely sincere

He's eternally steadfast

He's immortally graceful

He's imperially powerful

He's impartially merciful

He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world

He's the centrepiece of civilization

He's unparalleled

He's unprecedented

He's the highest personality in philosophy

He's the fundametal doctrine of true theology

He supplies strength for the weak

He guards

He guilds

He heals the sick

He forgives sinners

He discharges debtors

He delivers the captive

He defends the feeble

He serves the unfortunate

He rewards the diligent

He's the key to knowledge

He's the wellspring of wisdom

He's the doorway of deliverance

He's the pathway of peace

He's the roadway of righteousness

He's the highway of holiness

He's the gateway of glory

His life is matchless

His goodness is limitless

His mercy is everlasting

His love never changes

His word is enough

His grace is sufficient

He's indescribable

He's incomprehensinble

He's invincible

He's irresistible

Why can't I trust Him?

Growing Up

I have seven sisters. They are pretty much my best friends. I have some best "friends", but I know my sisters will always be there for me. They kinda have to. =] I am so thankful for my sisters. I never realized how blessed I am. I am scared to grow up, but I am also excited. I have seven sisters to grow up with. I not only get to live my life, but watch theirs. Graduations, college, boyfriends, weddings, and babies. =] God has a wonderful plan for each one of us. I can't wait to see what they are. I worry about everything. Maybe it's time to stop worrying and live my life. Please pray that God will help me to stop worrying. Speaking of prayer. This past week I have realized how powerful prayer is. God will help us if we ask. I think I have a hard time asking though. It's so easy to pray, but for some reason it is usually the last thing I do. Ok I am done rambling. =]

Much Love,

Emily

Face the Reality

On Friday I was walking through the maplewood mall and I thought I saw my ex. Last night I had a dream that he got his memory of me erased. (no I did not watch eternal sunshine) I really want to see him again, but I'm scared to meet the boy who isn't my boyfriend much less my friend. We loved each other from the start. Now we are cold towards each other. I want to see him so I can face the reality of who he is, but I am honestly really scared. In my dream I saw him and he didn't even know who I was. I might as well face it. We don't know each other anymore. We aren't gonna be a part of each others lives anymore. I need to face the reality. As soon as I face the reality I will be able to move on. Will I be able to face the reality without seeing him in real life or will I have to wait until we meet face to face?

What will it take?

Emily

Alone

This Thanksgiving my sisters, mom. and I bundled up and drove to my Aunt's house in Minnesota. Usually her house is over flowing with family, but this year it was just us girls, Aunt Angie, and Grandma. Everyone else was doing something with their other families. It was fun, but sad at the same time. Why does everything have to change right when our Dad leaves? I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

My sisters and I were all sitting in the living room. We were talking about the future. One of these days we will all be coming home for Thanksgiving. We will all have our own families and lives. It was fun to think about, but at the same time it was sad. I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

Today Amanda, Rachel, Abby, Christine, and I went shopping. We went to Target in Lake Elmo which is near to where my ex lives. When I was walking around I thought I saw him and i freaked. When I realized it wasn't him I started thinking about what I would do if I saw him. As I walked down an aisle my eyes teared up. I wouldn't be able to hug him. I would be angry with him. He would be angry with me. We haven't ever seen each other when we weren't dating. Even when we first met, we knew we liked each other. I don't want to meet the ex I hate. I don't want to face the reality that we aren't dating...we aren't even friends...I don't even know him. I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

My best friend, Becca, was asked out today. I am so excited for her. As soon as she gets home I am making her call me to tell me everything! It makes me sad to see her though. I see her happiness and think of last summer, when I was like her. I want her to be happy, but I am starting to feel like everyone is leaving me. My dad, my ex, now Becca. My friend Kelly also is getting close to her friend Sammy. Everyone seems to be leaving or finding someone else.

I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

Emily

Surrender

This Thanksgiving my father will not be joining my family. For the past few months he has been living in Alaska. It hurts to see my family fall apart. When I was little I would look at broken families never thinking that one day my family may break. I never dreamed this would happen, but it has. It is still hard to grasp the fact that my family is just like all the other broke families. I feel like we were better than that. We shouldn't have gone down this road.

My life has been a mess this year. Right after my dad left, my boyfriend broke up with me. My dad and my boyfriend were probably the closest people to me at the time. I believe God put them in my life for a reason and took them out for a reason. These past few months have been hard, but I have gotten so much closer to my Mother and sisters. My relationship with God is growing every day. I am learning so much. I am Thankful that God took those two out of my life. Instead of being angry I am going to praise God. I surrender all to Him. He knows what is best for me.

My God is an awesome God. He will supply all of my needs. I will trust in Him.

"When my life seems full of compost, give me patience, Lord, to wait for the roses."

Trying to surrender all,
Emily

In God We Trust

When you look at a break up you see the person who was dumped and the person who dumped. Why did God choose me to be the person who was dumped? If I dumped my ex, my life would be totally different right now as would his. I believe that because I was dumped I took it harder than he did. I think we both were falling away from each other though. I still am angry that I had to be the one who was dumped. I know God has a reason, but sometimes I just want to know what it would be like if I was the one who did the dumping. I want my ex to feel how much it hurts to be dumped. I felt rejected and worthless. I would go through our relationship in my head and try to find reasons why this happened. I would try to find ways to get him back into my life. I was willing to do anything. I felt lost cause as hard as I tried...I couldn't get him back.

It has been almost three months. It doesn't seem like it though. I still am hurting. I have a long ways to go before I finally do have peace. My heart is still on the road to recovery. It's a slow walk. I will trust that God does have a reason for all of this. He will get me through this.

Waiting for the day,
Emily

My Hudson Date

So today I went on a date for the first time in months. =] My Becca and I went to see Fireproof. If you go see this movie and you are an emotional person...BRING KLEENEX! Becca and I cried at least five times. Now this movie is about a man and women whose marriage is falling apart. During the movie I was thinking about all the people who NEED to see this movie. As the movie kept going though...I realized that even though I wasn't married...this movie was good for ME to see. I don't think everyone can learn from this movie, but if you search for knowledge, you will find it. I am not going to tell you to go see this movie, but if you do...make it apply to your life. =]

A Learning Girl,
Emily

Never Alone

Having a low self esteem and than being dumped is never a good combination. Sometimes I think I wont be loved again.

There are many singles out there who will love you. Everyone loves you and I don't understand why you can't see. You just need to be you. Being single doesn't mean you are alone though. Just as being in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't alone. Even if you never find another person, God will always be there.

This Time of Year

I hate break ups. My ex asked me to be his girlfriend on May 27th. I told him that if it was gonna be some stupid summer hook up, I wasn't interested. On September 5th he broke up with me. Today is November 21st...and I'm still not over him. Today it hit me hard. I watched Catch and Release and than I cried my eyes out. Now I am listening to break up songs. So far...it hasn't been the best day. I guess I questioned if our relationship was for the best, but I never imagined life without him. I miss him so much. He was my best friend for over five months. Good thing you people can't see me right now cause I am an absolute mess. I finally took everything that reminded me of him and put it away in a box. I wonder if he ever has one of these days cause it seems like I have them all the time. I bet he has moved on now and I don't blame him. Ever since we broke up our friendship has been crap. ='[ I can't just be friends with him. As hard as I try...I still end up yelling at him. For the most retarded reasons too! I don't mean to hurt him. Maybe he doesn't care though. Maybe he just wants me to get out of his life. I don't know. I don't know him anymore. Why did he let me fall in love with someone who wasn't even real? That boy I dated doesn't exist anymore. He is only in my memories now.

The Sisterhood

Today I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
In the movie Tibby broke up with her boyfriend. One of her friends asked why and she didn't know what to say. I guess you could say I am somewhat like Tibby because of what she said next. See like her I get scared when I start to be happy. I am know as the person who always has a problem in life and is never happy. When I tell my friends I am doing amazing they have to question it.

I am scared to be happy. Even more than before. Last summer I was happy. I don't know if it was true happiness, but I learned to trust someone. At the end of summer the happiness left. It wasn't supposed to leave. I was supposed to be happy forever. All the trust I put into one person was gone.

I don't want to be happy cause happiness never stays even if you think it will. I want to have joy though so I can go through hard times and happy times, but still have...a hope to move on. I am sick of being let down. I am sick of wallowing after I am let down.

I am alot like Tibby, but I want to stop. I want to be like Emily Elizabeth Voye. Who ever she is.

Diaries

Most girls have a diary, well at least every girl that I know does. I have never been into writing in a diary much. One day I took an old diary, went outside to the fire pit, and burned it. My mom didn't understand why I did this. You see I usually would write in my journal when either something really good happened in my life (usually about a boy) or when something really bad happened (again usually a boy or family problems). I usually would not be thinking clearly when I wrote. Sure diaries are fun took look back at, but for me, they can be painful reminders of how stupid I once was/am. Why do I want to be reminded of the painful times in my life?

I am just about the must moodiest person in the world. One minute I will be laughing and the next I will be crying. One minutes I will want to hug the person I love and the next I will want to bash them in the head. I honestly hate that about myself because just am much as you don't know what I am going to do next, I never know what I am going to do next. I do the most retarded things. Why should I write it down in a diary? So I can go back and remember how completely lost I am. One night, just a month or so ago, I came to the conclusion that I was crazy. I came to this conclusion because I couldn't find any other reason why I can hardly ever think straight.

I am keeping a diary right now. It was actually a diary to my ex boyfriend. I was going to give it to him when I was done writing in it. The first two pages were about how much I missed him. The next ten pages were about how much I hated him. See between the first two and the next ten, we broke up. Now it's just a diary. I wanted to rip out those twelve stupid pages, but I couldn't cause I would destroy the book in the process. So now I am stuck with twelve pages of another stupid part of my life. Maybe when I fill the whole book up, I will burn it. Maybe at the end though, I wont be crazy or lost anymore so I will decide to keep it. Then one day I will look at it and see how much I have grown.

Miss Moody,
Emily

Going Extreme For God

How extreme is too extreme? I honestly don’t believe there is such a thing as being too extreme. I believe we should strive to honor God in every part of our lives. Relationships, friendships, movies, music, and all our other life activities should be carefully considered with prayer. I once had someone tell me that they were getting a tattoo and it wasn’t a big deal because it had nothing to do with their faith. That person was wrong. Everything has to do with your faith. I am not saying it is a sin to get a tattoo, but I do believe you should ask God if it would be something that is honoring Him.
Why am I writing this blog? I have decided to go extreme for God. I want to strive to have every part of my life honor Him. This is going to be a hard thing to balance though. I struggle with judging others. If I want to strive to honor God in every part of my life though I am going to have to work my hardest on not judging others. Even if I am going extreme for God that doesn’t mean He looks at me as better than anyone else. So hear are some things I am going to start working on.
I am going to spend 30 minutes on facebook each day. Okay I honestly love facebook. I don’t believe it is sinful, but I do believe I am wasting my life on it. I believe facebook adds unwanted drama to my life. From cutting my time on it I will cut the drama out and also find other more productive things to do. Sitting on facebook all day or for so many hours doesn’t really honor God. I am not saying it can’t, I have had some deep conversations on facebook, but I think I can do without all that facebook time. J
I am going to honor my mother and father. This is something I am going to need your help on. I have a hard time honoring my parents. If you ever hear me say or do anything that does not honor my parents, saying something to me. Even if I don’t again with what they are doing, I have to honor them. Even if you believe they are wrong don’t let me talk badly about them. J
I am going to save my kiss until marriage. Now I have made this commitment before and it didn’t last very long. I felt like it was too extreme, but now that I am living to the extreme I have changed my mind. To help me with this, I am not going to date. You heard me right, Emily is not going to date. I am going to wait until I feel like I am ready for marriage to pursue dating with the opposite sex. I need you to help me on this one too. I don’t want to be distracted by men at this point in my life. I want to be growing in my relationship with Christ. So the extreme thing I am going to do…I will not talk to boys in chat or messages on facebook. (Ok like extreme!!! Ahaha..I can not believe I am even saying this. J ) I don’t want to be pursuing a close relationship with any man right now so if a guy wants to talk to me he can writing on my wall or talk to me in real life. This way I get rid of the deep/ emotional conversations that could go somewhere I don’t want them to. So if you are a guy and you try talking to me on chat or in a message and I ignore you I don’t mean to be rude. I would love to talk to you and if you want to set up a time where we and a few other people can get together I am all for it. I just don’t want alone time with a guy, even if it’s on facebook. J If you want to see how I am…just write on my wall. This is so extreme and right now I am wondering why I am doing such a crazy thing. People are going to think I am nuts, but I am going to be extreme for Christ. J (Yes, I did just listen to Joshua Harris talk about kissing dating goodbye)
Those are the three big extremes, but I also want to strive to read my Bible and pray. I don’t read my Bible much and if you have talked to me about scripture at all you have probably realized this. I just can’t get motivated to do it. PRAY FOR ME!! This is one of the biggest things I struggle with!! My friend Becca and I are going to start a devotional together so I hope that helps me to get motivated. Prayer is another thing I need to work on. I want to honor Christ. Please pray that God will guild me.

Living the Northwestern Girl Life,
Emily

Covered in Rain

I was trapped in a dark void of nothing. A darkness I couldn't seem to get out of. I had lost all hope. I stumbled dow the dark street. Tears ran down my face. I need to leave this place, but I had no where to go. I couldn't run away from this nightmare.

The thing I didn't realize was that I was the nightmare.

I sat my tennis bad down and took my tennis racquet out. I walked to the service line. One by one I took a ball, threw it up, and smashed it with all my might. One by one the balls hit into the net. I just stood there. Suddenly droplets of rain poured down all around me. I through my hands up in the air. "Why are you doing this to me?" I screamed.