Are You The One, Northwestern?

Today my mother and I drove to Roseville, Minnesota. The roads were horrible, but we drove 45 mph so we did not even have a chance of dying. Our motive for this excursion was to visit Northwestern College. I have been to Northwestern many times before. When I was little I was taught piano lessons in the Art/Music Building.

We met with a counselor who told me all about the place. He talked to us for about a hour than a senior attending the college took us on a tour. I have fallen in love. Everyone was so friendly. The buildings are all old Catholic buildings which makes them beautiful. The place is just so artistic! The dorms are amazing as well!

So I have fallen in love, but it does not seem right. Everyone was so friendly, which was nice, but for some reason that turned me off a little. I do not know if I will fit in there. Someone once told me that I was a Northwestern girl. If that is true, shouldn't I fit in? Why do I feel out of place though? I do not feel good enough for these people. I'm not this Bible thumping girl. I have so much room to grow in my faith. I am only beginning.

Honestly, I love this college and I probably will end up going there, Lord willing. I am intimidated though. Everyone seems that they have their lives under control. I am probably just nervous for college. I know that everyone does not have their lives under control. I know that if God wants me to go to this college, He will help me be at home there.

I got the jitters,
Em

Touch Me

I felt God last night. His mighty arms held me! He showed me His power! I never thought I could feel the love of God like I feel the love of a human.

It was one in the morning and I should have been sleeping, but I had taken a nap in the afternoon so I was not tired. I did my devotions and turned off my lights. After a few minute laying in the dark I started to pray. Usually I can hardly pray for five minutes, but last night I did not want to stop. I felt God! I cried out to Him last night.

In my stupidity I asked Him to prove Himself to me. (how many times must I ask until I believe?) I have been doubting lately and I wanted Him to show me His glory. My back had been twitching all day and no matter what I did it would not go away. I told God to take away the twitching. It did not go away. I cried out to God again saying that I believe He can take away this twitch. He took it away! Right then He took it away! I lay there thinking it was going to come back any second, but it did not. God showed me His power. He wrapped His arms around me last night!

I felt a love stronger than any other love. I cannot fully explain what I felt last night, but I know it was God. I have never felt God's presence the way I did last night. I will not doubt my Lord!

In the arms of a Savior,
Em

Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Proverbs 19:21
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understandings. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."

Where is My Vacuum?

In public school some of my friends would joke about my bipolar ways. I think I am starting to believe that I am bipolar. I have got to be the most temperamental, “changing my mind all the time” girl in the whole world. People tell me that they never know what I am going to do next. Scary thing, I do not either. One minute I love you the next I do not. I genuinely hate this about me. You will not imagine all of the people I have hurt by being so moody. I will heal their heart, then smash it open. How do I change?

A friend of mine was talking to me awhile ago. This person was angry with me because of past mistakes I had made. In anger (or maybe not) this person called me a bitch. They told me that they have never called anyone this before, but it is the only word to describe me. I was so ready to yell at this person and tell them how horrible they were. Instead, I admitted that I was/am. I am a bitch. This person gave me the slap in the face I needed. I realized that getting angry back was not going to help anything. What do I need to do? I need to fix the problem. How does one not be a bitch? How can I stop being this bipolar snob? Where do I start?

People struggle with different things. Lust, pride, judging, and lying are just a few struggles. I have a bigger problem. I struggle with all of them. Where do I start when I struggle with almost everything? My mother would say, “You get down on your hands and knees and pray to God, that is what you do.” I know prayer is your first step in change, but I tend to not be satisfied with that. I want to get in there and do something! How can I do anything without the Lord’s help though?

If I were to describe my faith/life right now I would have to say it was like a dirty room. Now I am not talking about a room with a few pieces of clothing, dishes, paper, and CD’s lying on the floor. I am talking about a room that is so dirty, you cannot see the floor or your bed. In a room like this, you do not even know where to start cleaning. You have the fire to clean this room, but you do not know where or how to start.

Years ago, if one of my friends were asked which friend was the best listener, hands down, it would be me. Because I was shy I did not talk much. Now a days people usually just want me to shut up. I want to be the friend who encourages, but I also want to be the friend who listens. Usually all of my conversations with people revolve around me. Maybe learning to listen to others will help me learn to listen to God.

When I die, I do not want to be known as a bitch. I want to be know as a lover. I want to be know as the girl who was always there for people. I want to be know as the girl who lived her life to give glory to God.

Colossians 3:17
“Whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.”

Befuddled beyond belief,
Em

Home Alone

It's Christmas Eve and I am home alone. My sisters and mother are at my aunt's house in St. Paul. My father is in Alaska. I have been sick all day and no matter what I do I feel like crap. I feel sick to my stomach, I have a head ache, and I have a fever.

I have been home alone all time time, but for some reason tonight seems so much different. I feel alone! I feel like I have no one here for me. I texted my dad Merry Christmas today. He texted me back and asked me where I was. I told him I was home sick while the everyone else was out. Seconds later he called me. I did not pick up. He called again and again I ignored him. This time he left me a message. It sounded like he was crying.

You cannot even imagine how hard I am crying right now.

I love my dad. I miss him so much. He was always there for me when I was little. He said I was his buddy. I was his Emily. I was his best girl. Why did he have to leave me? This year I did not buy anything for him for Christmas. We did not get anything from him either. I love my dad. Why did I not send him anything for Christmas? Why am I letting this bitterness control me. I want to hug him and tell him how much I want him back home.

I have been holding so much bitterness in. I tell everyone how much I hate him, but really I miss him so much. I want my dad back. We would drive to Fleet Farm all the time and oh we would talk about everything on the way there. He knew me more than anyone else. He knew my true heart. He did not know the lie I was letting everyone else meet.

I want my daddy to come home. I want my daddy to come back to Jesus.

Home alone with a broken heart,
Em

Confessions of a Young Adult

I turned eighteen this month. Last year I would say that as soon as I turned eighteen I would leave. I was going to be all rebellious. (imagine that) It did not turn the way I had planned it. I am still at home and under my mother’s control.

Quite a few of my friends have changed this year. They are into smoking and drinking. Screwing around with the opposite sex does not even make them the slightest bit guilty. They do not stick out anymore. They follow the crowd.

My confession, I want to be a rebel. One day one of my co-workers said it is always best to try something at least once. Those are NOT good words to live by, but they are tempting. I want to see what the world has to offer. I want to try smoking. I want to know what beer tastes like. What if I die before I marry someone? I will never know what sex is like. What if I die and miss out on all these things the world has to offer?

I want to trust God that He will give me what I need. I want to be able to stick out from the world. Why have I followed the crowd so many times? When more opportunities come up, I want the courage to say no. I am scared I will fail again. Sometimes when I want to feel loved I bend my values. What with happen

Lord, I am waiting for You. Give me the strength to not become of this world. Jesus, give me the courage to stand up for You! God, I need You to help me fight these temptations! Give me a clear head. Give me a heart that will give glory to You!

Crying for strength,
Em

Psalm 73:25 “Who have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.”

Hugs

My sister, Hannah, just came into my room and hugged me. She had no reason. It was totally random. I believe hugs are so meaningful. Even in a relationship, I would totally take a hug over a kiss. Hugs are the best! =]

Show someone how much you care today. Randomly hug them! =]

The hug lover,
Em

Holidazzle

I went to the Holidazzle parade for the first time this year. I was quite the experience. We waited almost two hours in the cold to see a thirty minute parade. Even though that does not seem enjoyable at all, it really was. After being away from Minneapolis for over seven years, I have fallen in love with it again. As my sisters and I walked around, I soaked in the beauty this wonderful city has to offer.

I was born in Minneapolis and lived there for eleven years. I am not the city girl I once was. I have lived in the country too long. I am used to knowing everyone in our small town. I lost my library cards years ago, but I do not need it because the librarians know my name and where I live. When going to a store, I never lock my car door. When walking across the street, I never look both ways. When driving around I wave at all the cars I pass because chances are good that I know them.

Even though I have started to become a country girl, I am really excited to go to college in the cities. Going to the Holidazzle parade has confirmed my love for the cities.

City girl at heart,

Emily

Here it goes again...

For the past few days I have had so much to write about, but I can never seem to find the time. Hopefully I will after Christmas. =]

Today I went to work and by the time I got out I felt horrible. As soon as I got home I put on my pajamas, took a hand full of pills, and went to bed. I just woke up an hour ago. My contacts are officially glued to my eyeballs. Anyways, I have been snippy with everyone today. Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, but I am not feeling joyful right now. I am one moody girl.

Praying for joy,
Emily

And this is why I'm blonde...

So I was looking at my blog and for the first time I noticed that I spelled my title wrong.
A Breath of Faith
"moments that guild me"
Wow...hahaha...did anyone else notice that? I feel like a complete loser.

Bitterness

Ephesians 4:26-27 "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."

Bitterness corrupts the heart. God warns us to not let the sun go down on our anger. How wise is that verse? He is warning us of the hurt that will come when we keep bitterness in our hearts. I have realized how much bitterness I am holding in lately. I have also realized how much it controls my life. I always complain about how unhappy I am because of others. Is it really others who make me unhappy? I have come to realize that even if someone does something wrong to me, it is my choice of how it will effect me. I can wallow in the hurt they have caused me or I can forgive them.

God has helped me to forgive others this week. I feel like He has given me peace. My father is another matter though. I am struggling to let go of the bitterness I have towards Him. On Sunday I was talking to an older women about it. I told her how I did not want my father to come home because I would be bitter towards him. She replied saying how awesome it would be if we welcomed my father with open arms. What a miracle that would be! I want the Lord to give me strength to open my arms for my father. I do not want bitterness to consume me.

When someone is unkind to me, I usually fire back with even more hurtful words. When someone points the finger, I point the finger back. I defend myself. God teaches us to turn the other cheek though. Instead of saying why I'm not a horrible person, I need to admit my faults. I should not defend myself with words. I should let my actions defend me. When someone accuses me of something I need to admit my faults and move on. Who am I to judge them? Why do I have a right to point the finger?

Lord help me to hold my tongue in my anger. Help me to let Your light shine. Give me the fire to glorify You.

Emily

Who am I?

Ephesians 2:8-9
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

I have been saved by the grace of God. I should be praising God, but I tend to praise myself. This whole year I have been struggling with judging others. I didn't notice it at first, but I do it all the time. I will be sitting in church and I will see a girl dressed trashy. I will think I am better than her. I do not know her. I do not know her heart. I will still point the finger though. For by GRACE I have been saved. I did not save myself so why am I better than anyone else?

I am a waitress so I get to meet a lot of different people. I tend to stereotype people. (I feel like I am wording this wrong) When I walk up to a table I will either feel that I am better than them or I am below them. We are all equal in God's eyes though. For by GRACE we have been saved. I want to stop looking down on others. I want to be humble. I do not want to tear others down with unkind words. I want to shine with God's love.

Lord, let Your love pour out of me. By grace You have saved me. Help me to grasp this truth. Help me to hold my tongue when I want to boast. I cannot do anything without You.

Humble me Oh Lord,

Emily

Bathe Me in Your Glory

Genesis 32:22-32 is a passage that puzzles me. It is the story of Jacob wrestling with God. Jacob met God face to face and lived through it. Genesis 32:25 says, “When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.” I heard a sermon about this passage today and the pastor said that God has a weakness. In that verse His weakness is shown. Now this puzzled me because I cannot see how God could have a weakness. I think I misinterpreted it though. God does not have a weakness. He is like a father wrestling with his sons. He knows he can over power them, but he does not. He lets them win, but sometimes just to let them know he still has power over them he makes a quick move and pins them down.

Jacob met God face to face. Have I tasted God? I have a problem with being a third party. I talk to others about God, but I do not talk to God on my own. I want to encounter God. I want Him to be the most important thing in my life. I struggle with making (not finding, but making) time for God. Why is it that I make time to spend with my friend and family, but I have such a hard time making time for God.

I want to meet God. Not just once, but over and over again. I want Him to be the most important thing in my life. I want to be bathed in His glory. I want to be a light to the world. My prayer is that everything I do reflects God. I know I will fail, but I want a fire to still press on.

Let me taste You, Lord. Bathe me in Your glory. Show me Your might.

Emily

Smile

Have you ever had the feeling when you see or hear something that reminds you of someone and you get really excited, but realize you can not tell them about it. Joy just rushes into you only to be stopped by a bolder of reality. Having memory is a beautiful thing. It sometimes hurts though. When a person dies it gives you comfort to remember the good times. It is quite peculiar how people react to memory in different ways. For me it hurts because those memories are memories. I will never be able to make memories with that person again. Those memories will not bring a person back. Those memories will only put a smile on my face that will dissolve after a few minutes into reality.

I want my memories to bring a smile that does not leave. I want to be able to remember the good times and the way everything ended while still wearing a smile. I want to feel a hope that I will have other memories to replace the ones that were broken. I want to smile even when memories end badly. Even if hurt follows memories, I want to say, “Thank you God, for giving me a rush.”

Waiting for a smile that will last,

Emily

Imagination

Last night I stayed up until one in the morning. I have been doing this a lot lately for different reasons. It was letter writing this time. I save pretty much everything so I have quite a few huge boxes full of stuff. Going through these boxes brings back so many memories. A Lot of them are bad memories. Someone told me that keeping a journal is fun. I am having a hard time agreeing with that. I love writing in journals. I have quite a few laying all over my room. I do not like looking back at them though. I feel like the part of my life in a journal is done. Why do I have to relive it? Maybe some day I will change my mind.

While I was going through these boxes I found tons of letters. I had quite a few pen pals when I was little so when I say tons I mean tons. Even though I have not written some of these people in years I decided I would give it a stab. I wrote four letters last night. They were nothing special. I just wrote random things about my life that has happened in the past four years. I have no idea where these people are right now or if they will even get their letters.

I miss writing letters. I feel like facebook and cellphones rob us of our imagination. They rob us of our time too. With letters you don't know what the person looks like or sounds like unless you have met them. You get to leave that up to your imagination. A letter has you all over it. You touched it. You wrote it. Your thoughts are all over those pieces of paper.

It costs forty-two cents to mail a letter now a days. That kind of sucks, but I think it's worth it.
Look at it this way...it only costs forty-two cents to touch a person's life.

Emily

Digging out

I feel really sick right now. Not as in "sick" sick, but the sickness you feel when something isn't right. I have been fighting with my mom all week. We can not seem to find solid ground. When will this panic attack lift? I thought my mom and I were finally getting along, but it seems like we are falling apart again. The troubles with my mom and I is just one of my problems.

The thing that really makes me mad is that I have this amazing God that I can ask to help me, but here I am still stuck in this hole. My fire for God seems to be dying.

I do not know what else to say.

Praying for hope,
Emily

Why Can't I Trust?

No means of messure can discribe His limitless love

He's enduringly strong

He's entirely sincere

He's eternally steadfast

He's immortally graceful

He's imperially powerful

He's impartially merciful

He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world

He's the centrepiece of civilization

He's unparalleled

He's unprecedented

He's the highest personality in philosophy

He's the fundametal doctrine of true theology

He supplies strength for the weak

He guards

He guilds

He heals the sick

He forgives sinners

He discharges debtors

He delivers the captive

He defends the feeble

He serves the unfortunate

He rewards the diligent

He's the key to knowledge

He's the wellspring of wisdom

He's the doorway of deliverance

He's the pathway of peace

He's the roadway of righteousness

He's the highway of holiness

He's the gateway of glory

His life is matchless

His goodness is limitless

His mercy is everlasting

His love never changes

His word is enough

His grace is sufficient

He's indescribable

He's incomprehensinble

He's invincible

He's irresistible

Why can't I trust Him?

Growing Up

I have seven sisters. They are pretty much my best friends. I have some best "friends", but I know my sisters will always be there for me. They kinda have to. =] I am so thankful for my sisters. I never realized how blessed I am. I am scared to grow up, but I am also excited. I have seven sisters to grow up with. I not only get to live my life, but watch theirs. Graduations, college, boyfriends, weddings, and babies. =] God has a wonderful plan for each one of us. I can't wait to see what they are. I worry about everything. Maybe it's time to stop worrying and live my life. Please pray that God will help me to stop worrying. Speaking of prayer. This past week I have realized how powerful prayer is. God will help us if we ask. I think I have a hard time asking though. It's so easy to pray, but for some reason it is usually the last thing I do. Ok I am done rambling. =]

Much Love,

Emily

Face the Reality

On Friday I was walking through the maplewood mall and I thought I saw my ex. Last night I had a dream that he got his memory of me erased. (no I did not watch eternal sunshine) I really want to see him again, but I'm scared to meet the boy who isn't my boyfriend much less my friend. We loved each other from the start. Now we are cold towards each other. I want to see him so I can face the reality of who he is, but I am honestly really scared. In my dream I saw him and he didn't even know who I was. I might as well face it. We don't know each other anymore. We aren't gonna be a part of each others lives anymore. I need to face the reality. As soon as I face the reality I will be able to move on. Will I be able to face the reality without seeing him in real life or will I have to wait until we meet face to face?

What will it take?

Emily

Alone

This Thanksgiving my sisters, mom. and I bundled up and drove to my Aunt's house in Minnesota. Usually her house is over flowing with family, but this year it was just us girls, Aunt Angie, and Grandma. Everyone else was doing something with their other families. It was fun, but sad at the same time. Why does everything have to change right when our Dad leaves? I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

My sisters and I were all sitting in the living room. We were talking about the future. One of these days we will all be coming home for Thanksgiving. We will all have our own families and lives. It was fun to think about, but at the same time it was sad. I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

Today Amanda, Rachel, Abby, Christine, and I went shopping. We went to Target in Lake Elmo which is near to where my ex lives. When I was walking around I thought I saw him and i freaked. When I realized it wasn't him I started thinking about what I would do if I saw him. As I walked down an aisle my eyes teared up. I wouldn't be able to hug him. I would be angry with him. He would be angry with me. We haven't ever seen each other when we weren't dating. Even when we first met, we knew we liked each other. I don't want to meet the ex I hate. I don't want to face the reality that we aren't dating...we aren't even friends...I don't even know him. I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

My best friend, Becca, was asked out today. I am so excited for her. As soon as she gets home I am making her call me to tell me everything! It makes me sad to see her though. I see her happiness and think of last summer, when I was like her. I want her to be happy, but I am starting to feel like everyone is leaving me. My dad, my ex, now Becca. My friend Kelly also is getting close to her friend Sammy. Everyone seems to be leaving or finding someone else.

I am afraid of change. I don't want to grow up.

Emily

Surrender

This Thanksgiving my father will not be joining my family. For the past few months he has been living in Alaska. It hurts to see my family fall apart. When I was little I would look at broken families never thinking that one day my family may break. I never dreamed this would happen, but it has. It is still hard to grasp the fact that my family is just like all the other broke families. I feel like we were better than that. We shouldn't have gone down this road.

My life has been a mess this year. Right after my dad left, my boyfriend broke up with me. My dad and my boyfriend were probably the closest people to me at the time. I believe God put them in my life for a reason and took them out for a reason. These past few months have been hard, but I have gotten so much closer to my Mother and sisters. My relationship with God is growing every day. I am learning so much. I am Thankful that God took those two out of my life. Instead of being angry I am going to praise God. I surrender all to Him. He knows what is best for me.

My God is an awesome God. He will supply all of my needs. I will trust in Him.

"When my life seems full of compost, give me patience, Lord, to wait for the roses."

Trying to surrender all,
Emily

In God We Trust

When you look at a break up you see the person who was dumped and the person who dumped. Why did God choose me to be the person who was dumped? If I dumped my ex, my life would be totally different right now as would his. I believe that because I was dumped I took it harder than he did. I think we both were falling away from each other though. I still am angry that I had to be the one who was dumped. I know God has a reason, but sometimes I just want to know what it would be like if I was the one who did the dumping. I want my ex to feel how much it hurts to be dumped. I felt rejected and worthless. I would go through our relationship in my head and try to find reasons why this happened. I would try to find ways to get him back into my life. I was willing to do anything. I felt lost cause as hard as I tried...I couldn't get him back.

It has been almost three months. It doesn't seem like it though. I still am hurting. I have a long ways to go before I finally do have peace. My heart is still on the road to recovery. It's a slow walk. I will trust that God does have a reason for all of this. He will get me through this.

Waiting for the day,
Emily

My Hudson Date

So today I went on a date for the first time in months. =] My Becca and I went to see Fireproof. If you go see this movie and you are an emotional person...BRING KLEENEX! Becca and I cried at least five times. Now this movie is about a man and women whose marriage is falling apart. During the movie I was thinking about all the people who NEED to see this movie. As the movie kept going though...I realized that even though I wasn't married...this movie was good for ME to see. I don't think everyone can learn from this movie, but if you search for knowledge, you will find it. I am not going to tell you to go see this movie, but if you do...make it apply to your life. =]

A Learning Girl,
Emily

Never Alone

Having a low self esteem and than being dumped is never a good combination. Sometimes I think I wont be loved again.

There are many singles out there who will love you. Everyone loves you and I don't understand why you can't see. You just need to be you. Being single doesn't mean you are alone though. Just as being in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't alone. Even if you never find another person, God will always be there.

This Time of Year

I hate break ups. My ex asked me to be his girlfriend on May 27th. I told him that if it was gonna be some stupid summer hook up, I wasn't interested. On September 5th he broke up with me. Today is November 21st...and I'm still not over him. Today it hit me hard. I watched Catch and Release and than I cried my eyes out. Now I am listening to break up songs. So far...it hasn't been the best day. I guess I questioned if our relationship was for the best, but I never imagined life without him. I miss him so much. He was my best friend for over five months. Good thing you people can't see me right now cause I am an absolute mess. I finally took everything that reminded me of him and put it away in a box. I wonder if he ever has one of these days cause it seems like I have them all the time. I bet he has moved on now and I don't blame him. Ever since we broke up our friendship has been crap. ='[ I can't just be friends with him. As hard as I try...I still end up yelling at him. For the most retarded reasons too! I don't mean to hurt him. Maybe he doesn't care though. Maybe he just wants me to get out of his life. I don't know. I don't know him anymore. Why did he let me fall in love with someone who wasn't even real? That boy I dated doesn't exist anymore. He is only in my memories now.

The Sisterhood

Today I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
In the movie Tibby broke up with her boyfriend. One of her friends asked why and she didn't know what to say. I guess you could say I am somewhat like Tibby because of what she said next. See like her I get scared when I start to be happy. I am know as the person who always has a problem in life and is never happy. When I tell my friends I am doing amazing they have to question it.

I am scared to be happy. Even more than before. Last summer I was happy. I don't know if it was true happiness, but I learned to trust someone. At the end of summer the happiness left. It wasn't supposed to leave. I was supposed to be happy forever. All the trust I put into one person was gone.

I don't want to be happy cause happiness never stays even if you think it will. I want to have joy though so I can go through hard times and happy times, but still have...a hope to move on. I am sick of being let down. I am sick of wallowing after I am let down.

I am alot like Tibby, but I want to stop. I want to be like Emily Elizabeth Voye. Who ever she is.

Diaries

Most girls have a diary, well at least every girl that I know does. I have never been into writing in a diary much. One day I took an old diary, went outside to the fire pit, and burned it. My mom didn't understand why I did this. You see I usually would write in my journal when either something really good happened in my life (usually about a boy) or when something really bad happened (again usually a boy or family problems). I usually would not be thinking clearly when I wrote. Sure diaries are fun took look back at, but for me, they can be painful reminders of how stupid I once was/am. Why do I want to be reminded of the painful times in my life?

I am just about the must moodiest person in the world. One minute I will be laughing and the next I will be crying. One minutes I will want to hug the person I love and the next I will want to bash them in the head. I honestly hate that about myself because just am much as you don't know what I am going to do next, I never know what I am going to do next. I do the most retarded things. Why should I write it down in a diary? So I can go back and remember how completely lost I am. One night, just a month or so ago, I came to the conclusion that I was crazy. I came to this conclusion because I couldn't find any other reason why I can hardly ever think straight.

I am keeping a diary right now. It was actually a diary to my ex boyfriend. I was going to give it to him when I was done writing in it. The first two pages were about how much I missed him. The next ten pages were about how much I hated him. See between the first two and the next ten, we broke up. Now it's just a diary. I wanted to rip out those twelve stupid pages, but I couldn't cause I would destroy the book in the process. So now I am stuck with twelve pages of another stupid part of my life. Maybe when I fill the whole book up, I will burn it. Maybe at the end though, I wont be crazy or lost anymore so I will decide to keep it. Then one day I will look at it and see how much I have grown.

Miss Moody,
Emily

Going Extreme For God

How extreme is too extreme? I honestly don’t believe there is such a thing as being too extreme. I believe we should strive to honor God in every part of our lives. Relationships, friendships, movies, music, and all our other life activities should be carefully considered with prayer. I once had someone tell me that they were getting a tattoo and it wasn’t a big deal because it had nothing to do with their faith. That person was wrong. Everything has to do with your faith. I am not saying it is a sin to get a tattoo, but I do believe you should ask God if it would be something that is honoring Him.
Why am I writing this blog? I have decided to go extreme for God. I want to strive to have every part of my life honor Him. This is going to be a hard thing to balance though. I struggle with judging others. If I want to strive to honor God in every part of my life though I am going to have to work my hardest on not judging others. Even if I am going extreme for God that doesn’t mean He looks at me as better than anyone else. So hear are some things I am going to start working on.
I am going to spend 30 minutes on facebook each day. Okay I honestly love facebook. I don’t believe it is sinful, but I do believe I am wasting my life on it. I believe facebook adds unwanted drama to my life. From cutting my time on it I will cut the drama out and also find other more productive things to do. Sitting on facebook all day or for so many hours doesn’t really honor God. I am not saying it can’t, I have had some deep conversations on facebook, but I think I can do without all that facebook time. J
I am going to honor my mother and father. This is something I am going to need your help on. I have a hard time honoring my parents. If you ever hear me say or do anything that does not honor my parents, saying something to me. Even if I don’t again with what they are doing, I have to honor them. Even if you believe they are wrong don’t let me talk badly about them. J
I am going to save my kiss until marriage. Now I have made this commitment before and it didn’t last very long. I felt like it was too extreme, but now that I am living to the extreme I have changed my mind. To help me with this, I am not going to date. You heard me right, Emily is not going to date. I am going to wait until I feel like I am ready for marriage to pursue dating with the opposite sex. I need you to help me on this one too. I don’t want to be distracted by men at this point in my life. I want to be growing in my relationship with Christ. So the extreme thing I am going to do…I will not talk to boys in chat or messages on facebook. (Ok like extreme!!! Ahaha..I can not believe I am even saying this. J ) I don’t want to be pursuing a close relationship with any man right now so if a guy wants to talk to me he can writing on my wall or talk to me in real life. This way I get rid of the deep/ emotional conversations that could go somewhere I don’t want them to. So if you are a guy and you try talking to me on chat or in a message and I ignore you I don’t mean to be rude. I would love to talk to you and if you want to set up a time where we and a few other people can get together I am all for it. I just don’t want alone time with a guy, even if it’s on facebook. J If you want to see how I am…just write on my wall. This is so extreme and right now I am wondering why I am doing such a crazy thing. People are going to think I am nuts, but I am going to be extreme for Christ. J (Yes, I did just listen to Joshua Harris talk about kissing dating goodbye)
Those are the three big extremes, but I also want to strive to read my Bible and pray. I don’t read my Bible much and if you have talked to me about scripture at all you have probably realized this. I just can’t get motivated to do it. PRAY FOR ME!! This is one of the biggest things I struggle with!! My friend Becca and I are going to start a devotional together so I hope that helps me to get motivated. Prayer is another thing I need to work on. I want to honor Christ. Please pray that God will guild me.

Living the Northwestern Girl Life,
Emily

Covered in Rain

I was trapped in a dark void of nothing. A darkness I couldn't seem to get out of. I had lost all hope. I stumbled dow the dark street. Tears ran down my face. I need to leave this place, but I had no where to go. I couldn't run away from this nightmare.

The thing I didn't realize was that I was the nightmare.

I sat my tennis bad down and took my tennis racquet out. I walked to the service line. One by one I took a ball, threw it up, and smashed it with all my might. One by one the balls hit into the net. I just stood there. Suddenly droplets of rain poured down all around me. I through my hands up in the air. "Why are you doing this to me?" I screamed.